Recently, I was asked to write an article about my recovery path and I thought no big deal - No problem. But, as I put the words into print, I found myself feeling a bit out of sorts. It was the same familiar feeling that I felt my first week without a drink ~ FEAR.
Driving home from a yoga class on October 31, 2005, I wondered why I felt the need to drink two glasses of wine prior to a practice of relaxation. This just didn’t make much sense. I remember hearing an inner voice say, “I am tired of drinking.” Not having a clue what my brain was thinking - I wanted to quit drinking. It was such a surreal thought, that after 37 years of drinking, I wanted to be sober.
I didn’t hit rock bottom. I wasn’t told I had to clean up my act. I just didn’t want to continue relying on a bottle to feel happy. I was truly scared of where I was going to be, in ten years, if I continued to drink.
On that Halloween evening, before going to sleep, I laid thinking about the two prior times in my life that I had the courage to admit I had an addiction. Both times I tried going to group recovery meetings and both times I was discouraged (I was asked out on dates and/or for money by other addicts). So, nineteen years later, I knew this would not be a part of my recovery plan. I, also, understood that within my addictive personality drinking in “moderation” would only be a game without a winner.
The next morning, I was on a mission for answers. I drove 40 miles to a bookstore in search of ~ what ~ I didn’t know. As luck would have it, I didn’t have to look for a book because the book was waiting there for me. It literally jumped off the bookshelf and echoed How to Quit Drinking without AA. I started ingesting every word; every suggestion flowed through my brain. I began to keep a journal. All my thoughts, actions, and feelings were being released on a simple piece of paper. I was 'letting go' of the madness in my mind and in turn my transformation began. Within the following days, I repeated an internal conversation, “What am I doing?” - “Why am I doing this?” and “Who will I be?” I kept journaling and found a source of peace from my own words.
At the end of my first sober week I came face to face with alcohol. I met my husband for dinner at a local Italian restaurant. He was running on “Steve time" so there I sat, alone, with a wall of alcohol in front of me. I decided to find all the different types of alcohol (wine, beer, scotch, tequila, vodka etc, etc….) that I had consumed over the past 37 years and I proceeded to say “Good-bye” to my friends.
Within the first months of my sobriety I discovered the ‘Women For Sobriety’ online recovery site. WFS was formed in 1975 by Jean Kirkpatrick. This became my community for staying sober. It is my place to find support and understanding from like-minded women.
When my one year anniversary arrived, I had an inner peace of self truth (within the yogic world this is called Sat Nam). My daughter made a medallion out of a round piece of wood. With love she painted and decorated it with rhinestones. The following year, I wanted a two year AA medallion. I showed up at a meeting where a friend from my past was attending. At the end of the meeting my 7 year sober friend reached into his pocket and, from his keychain, he gave me his 2 year medallion. For many years, he has added a new medallion to my beautiful collection of sobriety treasures (journals, stones, and other artifacts). A few years ago, my daughter painted an OM picture depicting a sunset where a Yogini (female yogi) is sitting on the top of a mountain ~ her arms held high in gratitude.
Today, I have come full circle with the inclusion of Alcoholics Anonymous’s The 11th Step - Prayer and Meditation and The 12th Step - Being of Service to others.
Through the years there have been bumps in the road - Journaling, yoga, meditation, Women for Sobriety, The Sandusky Artisans Recovery Center and AA have helped smooth them out. For me, my recovery is not about being on one path or having one way of thinking. No, just as a great recipe has many ingredients, my sober journey has many Avenues.
I believe life is about timing. November 1st 2005 (six months before my 50th birthday) was the perfect time for me to start my recovery ~ to begin my journey of self-discovery. My Sat Nam (True identity) blossomed.
Namaste
Driving home from a yoga class on October 31, 2005, I wondered why I felt the need to drink two glasses of wine prior to a practice of relaxation. This just didn’t make much sense. I remember hearing an inner voice say, “I am tired of drinking.” Not having a clue what my brain was thinking - I wanted to quit drinking. It was such a surreal thought, that after 37 years of drinking, I wanted to be sober.
I didn’t hit rock bottom. I wasn’t told I had to clean up my act. I just didn’t want to continue relying on a bottle to feel happy. I was truly scared of where I was going to be, in ten years, if I continued to drink.
On that Halloween evening, before going to sleep, I laid thinking about the two prior times in my life that I had the courage to admit I had an addiction. Both times I tried going to group recovery meetings and both times I was discouraged (I was asked out on dates and/or for money by other addicts). So, nineteen years later, I knew this would not be a part of my recovery plan. I, also, understood that within my addictive personality drinking in “moderation” would only be a game without a winner.
The next morning, I was on a mission for answers. I drove 40 miles to a bookstore in search of ~ what ~ I didn’t know. As luck would have it, I didn’t have to look for a book because the book was waiting there for me. It literally jumped off the bookshelf and echoed How to Quit Drinking without AA. I started ingesting every word; every suggestion flowed through my brain. I began to keep a journal. All my thoughts, actions, and feelings were being released on a simple piece of paper. I was 'letting go' of the madness in my mind and in turn my transformation began. Within the following days, I repeated an internal conversation, “What am I doing?” - “Why am I doing this?” and “Who will I be?” I kept journaling and found a source of peace from my own words.
At the end of my first sober week I came face to face with alcohol. I met my husband for dinner at a local Italian restaurant. He was running on “Steve time" so there I sat, alone, with a wall of alcohol in front of me. I decided to find all the different types of alcohol (wine, beer, scotch, tequila, vodka etc, etc….) that I had consumed over the past 37 years and I proceeded to say “Good-bye” to my friends.
Within the first months of my sobriety I discovered the ‘Women For Sobriety’ online recovery site. WFS was formed in 1975 by Jean Kirkpatrick. This became my community for staying sober. It is my place to find support and understanding from like-minded women.
When my one year anniversary arrived, I had an inner peace of self truth (within the yogic world this is called Sat Nam). My daughter made a medallion out of a round piece of wood. With love she painted and decorated it with rhinestones. The following year, I wanted a two year AA medallion. I showed up at a meeting where a friend from my past was attending. At the end of the meeting my 7 year sober friend reached into his pocket and, from his keychain, he gave me his 2 year medallion. For many years, he has added a new medallion to my beautiful collection of sobriety treasures (journals, stones, and other artifacts). A few years ago, my daughter painted an OM picture depicting a sunset where a Yogini (female yogi) is sitting on the top of a mountain ~ her arms held high in gratitude.
Today, I have come full circle with the inclusion of Alcoholics Anonymous’s The 11th Step - Prayer and Meditation and The 12th Step - Being of Service to others.
Through the years there have been bumps in the road - Journaling, yoga, meditation, Women for Sobriety, The Sandusky Artisans Recovery Center and AA have helped smooth them out. For me, my recovery is not about being on one path or having one way of thinking. No, just as a great recipe has many ingredients, my sober journey has many Avenues.
I believe life is about timing. November 1st 2005 (six months before my 50th birthday) was the perfect time for me to start my recovery ~ to begin my journey of self-discovery. My Sat Nam (True identity) blossomed.
Namaste
